The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
