hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
