I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
