I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
