Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
