Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
