I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
