i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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