i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
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And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
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How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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