I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
