I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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