Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
