I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
