On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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