I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
