She is in my trunk
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
