She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
