Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
