Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
