My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
