I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
