Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
