take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
