you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
