tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
