More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
