I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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