Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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