I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
