Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
