11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
