I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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