if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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