Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
