I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
