my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
