Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
i need some magic done to my vagina
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
