so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
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Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i drank out of a bidet.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
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And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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