dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
