I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
