Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
