I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
