I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize