Only a mothe r could love this liver
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I was not drunk enough for that final.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize