3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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