____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
