My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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