nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
