We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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