my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
