I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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