im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
