she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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