Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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