Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
