I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
