he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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