In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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