Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
