How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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