i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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