Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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